July 4th! Mazel tov, U.S.A!

Happy July 4th, y’all! It’s the day we Americans celebrate our independence!

But independence from what? The tyranny of a real-real authoritarian government? The scare tactics of the simple-minded ideologies of a two-party political system or two-party religion? The habitual patterns that shackle your own super predictable thought processes? The “what not to wear” section of your favorite women’s magazine? (I’m proud to announce the cancellation of my subscription to Shrew! in patriotic protest!)

Originally we were celebrating our independence from England, right? But we told England what’s what a super long time ago. Jeez. We can’t let anything go, can we? Every year it’s fireworks and flag waving! Is this good sportsmanship? It’s like two hundred and whatever years of “na-na-na-na-na-na,” “told ya so,” and “in yer eye”! It’s a wonder those Brits are still our friends with all this yearly gloating, proverbial nose-thumbing, and shouting to the world what losers they are.

Anyway, whatever you’re feeling independent about now, here’s to the Independent American Spirit, y’all!

Now, get your independent tuckus moving! You might miss the fun! The morning of the Fourth, be sure to rush on out to that super crowded beach/lake/river everyone and his mother flocks to every Fourth of July, drink tons of that low-carb beer you saw in those cute commercials, gather with the throngs to watch the city fireworks display and “ooh” and “aah” in unison with the crowd in that way that makes you feel like you are really a part of something special, get into an argument with some guy who accidentally bumps into you at the liquor store/that family member who just never understood you/the friend that just doesn’t know when to damn quit, go home and drunkenly light up sparklers in the front yard, burn your fingertips, wait in line at the emergency room with all the other schlemiels who got burned drunkenly lighting up sparklers in their yards, then get home in time to watch that late-night TV talk-show guy that we all know is the coolest one to like (the one that’s a comedian who sits behind that desk, chats with celebrity guests, and is worshiped by a live studio audience of independent, free-thinking Americans much like yourself), and get to the snoozing before you schlep out of bed a few hours later to go to that job you hate and kvetch with your co-workers about the holiday crowds, how much money you spent on gas, some guy who accidentally bumped into you at the liquor store/that family member who just never understood you/the friend that just doesn’t know when to damn quit, and your hangover.

That’s what being independent is all about, right?


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