A Mean Mama Dog Production.
Y’all, Richard Garner is a total big wig. He’s The Big Boss Man at The Georgia Shakespeare Festival. He recently sat down with me for a chat and a dram, and it was super, super fun. My job rocks, if you want to know the truth. Real-real! Read more about our meet up HERE!
Thanks, lovelies. Hey, do me a favor and share the website, the new episodes, your favorite blog post–whatever–to all of your social networking sites. I’ll be your BFF!
Cheers!
-Gilda Sue
Happy July 4th, y’all! It’s the day we Americans celebrate our independence!
But independence from what? The tyranny of a real-real authoritarian government? The scare tactics of the simple-minded ideologies of a two-party political system or two-party religion? The habitual patterns that shackle your own super predictable thought processes? The “what not to wear” section of your favorite women’s magazine? (I’m proud to announce the cancellation of my subscription to Shrew! in patriotic protest!)
Originally we were celebrating our independence from England, right? But we told England what’s what a super long time ago. Jeez. We can’t let anything go, can we? Every year it’s fireworks and flag waving! Is this good sportsmanship? It’s like two hundred and whatever years of “na-na-na-na-na-na,” “told ya so,” and “in yer eye”! It’s a wonder those Brits are still our friends with all this yearly gloating, proverbial nose-thumbing, and shouting to the world what losers they are.
Anyway, whatever you’re feeling independent about now, here’s to the Independent American Spirit, y’all!
Now, get your independent tuckus moving! You might miss the fun! The morning of the Fourth, be sure to rush on out to that super crowded beach/lake/river everyone and his mother flocks to every Fourth of July, drink tons of that low-carb beer you saw in those cute commercials, gather with the throngs to watch the city fireworks display and “ooh” and “aah” in unison with the crowd in that way that makes you feel like you are really a part of something special, get into an argument with some guy who accidentally bumps into you at the liquor store/that family member who just never understood you/the friend that just doesn’t know when to damn quit, go home and drunkenly light up sparklers in the front yard, burn your fingertips, wait in line at the emergency room with all the other schlemiels who got burned drunkenly lighting up sparklers in their yards, then get home in time to watch that late-night TV talk-show guy that we all know is the coolest one to like (the one that’s a comedian who sits behind that desk, chats with celebrity guests, and is worshiped by a live studio audience of independent, free-thinking Americans much like yourself), and get to the snoozing before you schlep out of bed a few hours later to go to that job you hate and kvetch with your co-workers about the holiday crowds, how much money you spent on gas, some guy who accidentally bumped into you at the liquor store/that family member who just never understood you/the friend that just doesn’t know when to damn quit, and your hangover.
That’s what being independent is all about, right?
CHEERS!
Y’all, I’ve been asked to contribute to a woman’s magazine. Well, sort of like a magazine. A blog about women’s issues and concerns and what not. Only it’s on the computer Internet!
Get ready for Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag on THE BLEU STOCKINGS!
Ask me anything you want. It’s no holds barred, y’all! Advice on sex and love, insight into religion and politics, celebrity questions, automobile concerns, pet trouble, dental worries, dating, child rearing (those last two are often the same) . . .it goes on and on. Send your questions to me here and read the answers there.
I’ll let you know when my first column is in.
See ya there! Thanks, lovelies!
OK, so tonight is our final dress rehearsal here in Lake Tar Monkey for that Tennessee Williams play, A Streetcar Named Desire. I’m playing the part of that Blanche Dubois. (Did y’all know you pronounce that like doob-wah? Weird.)
Y’all, being an actor is not as easy as it seems. I’m in a wig, first of all. Then, they expect me to remember all these words. I’m supposed to be standing in the same place at the same time every night. And that director keeps yelling at me, “just listen and respond!” (I KNOW!) HELLO! This is a PLAY! Everything is SCRIPTED so I don’t HAVE to “listen” and “respond.” Oy!
And Gomez has taken this Stanley Kowalski part a little too far. It’s beginning to creep into our personal “dealings,” and I’m a little nervous about how it will affect our professional relationship when we get back to doing The Computer Internet Show. He seems to relish that one line, “how ’bout cuttin’ the re-bop!” a little too much.
But opening night is this weekend, and that’s when all the fun begins. Audiences applauding, and flowers backstage, and the big party where we get to dress up and talk to the fans. Then the newspaper reviews the next morning, and everyone calling that afternoon to tell you how great you were, and congratulate you on what that reviewer wrote about how great your facial expressions were, and how terrific you look in that yellow dress in Act II, and how no, the beige one in Act III really doesn’t make you look like Baby Jane like that putz of a props master whispered to Gomez backstage in the first dress rehearsal. That’s what it’s all about, folks. THAT’S The Theatah!
Wish me broken legs, y’all! Gomez has. Many times.
OK, y’all, so I auditioned for the part of Blanche Dubois and I GOT IT! That’s right, Lake Tar Monkey Summertime Theater Repertory Company Under The Stars But Not WITH the Stars, We Don’t Have That Much Money (YET!) is doing A Streetcar Named Desire and THEY PICKED ME to do that part! I KNOW! It’s going to totally rock, isn’t it?
I’m real real excited.
There’s only one tiny little something that may be a bit of a problem, and that’s that Gomez will be playing the part of Stanley. (I know.) Now, I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but it’s super possible that Gomez has a tiny hate-crush on me. But, we’re professionals. Sort of. I mean we won’t actually be paid money, but you know what I mean. We’ll ACT like professionals because we’ll already be acting anyway, right? I think it’ll be fine.
I’ll keep you posted! AND I’ll totally break my leg, I swear!
Bye, now!
Y’all, Vajazzling. 
It’s what Jennifer Love Hewitt loves to call ripping all of the hair off of her soft, sweet lady part and gluing shiny, spangly things to it instead. (Oy!) She says it makes her man feel like he’s tripping the Light Fantastic, and she apparently leaves him all kinds of surprising messages. It’s a whole new twist on ‘sexting.’ “I LOVE YOU” is probably the most super popular Vajazzle message. And “DON’T FORGET THE CLITORIS THIS TIME, HON.” Of course “I’VE BEEN MULLING IT OVER AND I REALLY THINK IT’S BEST IF WE JUST STAY FRIENDS” is probably up there, too. Not to mention “YASHER KOACH!” Being a huge Bo Derek fan, I’ve had my lady part braided -or vajangled– for years, which might make me seem just a tad behind the times. But, honestly, I’ve had no complaints from anyone with any access to it. Except for Dr. Wolfman. He seems to find the beads difficult to maneuver during my monthly pelvic exam. But y’all, Nunzia will soon be offering this new service at Nunzia’s Nail Nest, and I think I might be getting super excited about my new holiday va-journey! For Yom Kippur, I could get a Vajazzled Shofar. For Halloween, a little black pussy cat. And I just cannot wait for Christmas! How cute is a little baby Va-Jesus?! Don’t worry, lovelies. I’ll totally take pictures!
Oy! From the Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
Ok, Round Two of “Monkey in the Round” started off promising. I arranged a date for the evening with a real real cute man, and I was super excited. However, this date did not end with a bang, as I’d hoped, but with a definite and audible whimper. It was a blind date, in a way. I mean he was blind. Like Ray Charles blind. And real real cute. And I thought it was going super great. I was telling him all about The Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show, and about how I think Gomez has a secret hate-crush on me, and about my dreams of becoming a mohel. But at some point during dinner he said something about wishing he was deaf instead, and he got up and left me with the bill! I KNOW!
Well, folks, I’m trying to accentuate the positive, as they say. Round Three just might be the charm. I’ll let y’all know.
Cheers. . .
More greetings from the Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
I just finished the Lake Tar Monkey Speed Dating application. Tomorrow is the big event they love to call “Monkeyin’ Around.” Or maybe they are saying “Monkey in the Round.” I’m not super sure, but I’m real real excited about getting to meet all of Lake Tar Monkey’s eligible bachelors tomorrow. They just asked me to list the 20 most important things a possible life partner should know about me up front. Here it is: (Oy!)
1- I am half Jewish
2- I am half Christian
3- Right now, I am half baked.
4- I have never ridden a horse with my clothes on.
5- Drambuie margaritas, Drambuie cosmos, Drambuie gimlets, Drambuie-tinis, Drambuie collins, Drambuie Mimosas, Drambuie Mudslide, Drambuie Grey hounds, Dram-daquiries, Drambuie and Mountain Dew, Dram- . . .what was the question?
6- Hey, upside down, this looks like a 9.
7- My pinkie toes are longer than all of the other 8.
8- I have a Computer Internet Show.
9- I think Gomez secretly hates me.
10- Unless he just has a huge crush on me.
11- Dolly Parton still has my sweater shaver I lent her in 1992, and I don’t think she’s ever giving it back.
12- Rehab sounds relaxing.
13- Lake Tar Monkey is my favorite vacation spot.
14- My cousin Dottie, on my Mama’s side is a lesbian.
15- I hope to live long enough to see them put a man on the moon.
16- Having superpowers is not as much fun as y’all might think.
17- I was born with a tail.
18- I became a woman on prom night.
19- I will probably never become a man.
20- I never say never.
GILDA SUE ROSENSTERN 