First, let me say I heard that the Stone Soup Kitchen Art Show/Fund Raiser for the movie about my life went absolutely gang-busters. The folks at Mean Mama Dog Productions were super thrilled. They raised some money, and apparently had a rockin’ good time. The folks at Stone Soup Kitchen went above and beyond the call of duty, making tasty snacks and being all-around great hosts. So thanks a ton to them and to everyone who came out to participate!
Second, let me apologize for not actually attending the event. See, CNN’s Nancy Grace came over that morning, y’all, to kvetch about her man David, who says he will never change diapers for those twins again. Ever. Oy! So we drank a few pitchers of Drambuie Sangria I discovered in my fridge, and I found it super easy to agree with Nancy’s assessment that her husband is a total schlemiel. I mean, what kind of man makes babies with CNN’s Nancy Grace, anyway? Well, we got carried away and ended up at Swinging Richard’s, that place with the naked dancing boys. I KNOW! I swore I’d never go back after last time, but Nancy insisted. You know how she is.
Anyway, we were doing body shots off of this hot Brazilian scooter hawker (Eber!) we met out in back of the club (he helped me hold Nancy’s wig while she vomited into Anderson Cooper’s gym bag a few hours earlier, just before she got her second wind) when I realized how late it was, and that I needed to skeedadle! But what was I to do about this barely conscious, stark-raving drunk Nancy Grace? Luckily, just then, Nancy’s cell phone rang. It was her worried twins asking if they needed to come pick their mama up, to which I answered, “God, yes!” Turns out those brats are already thirteen and driving their very own Porsche Turbo Cabriolet (which explains David’s firm and, quite frankly, reasonable diaper duty decision).
The Wonder Twins, Lucy Elizabeth and John David, arrived just as Eber and Andy revved up the Mini Cooper and zoomed away singing what I think was “I Want To Be Loved By You” in Portuguese. Little Lucy dragged CNN’s Nancy Grace into the backseat of the Porsche while John David fished the keys to his mama’s Lincoln Town Car out of her garter belt, and those little twins piloted those two vehicles just like seasoned professional Adult Children of Famously Self-Righteous and Unaccountably Irresponsible T.V. Star Parents. So cute.
It was at about this time that I powered up my flip phone and saw that the Mean Mama Dog folks had been calling and texting me for hours, wondering where the heck the sangria was. (RIGHT! I knew there was an actual specific reason I’d made that stuff!) So I zoomed on over to the event, but, by the time my bus pulled up to the cafe, it was all over.
Third, please forgive my absence that night. I’m real-real grateful to every single one of you, and I hope we can all do it again real-real soon. And when I say “all,” I mean almost all. And when I say “it,” I mean something totally different. And when I say “soon,” I mean before the twins restore CNN’s Nancy Grace’s driving privileges.
Next time, y’all!