Author: gildasuerosenstern

The Deep South's gabbiest half Jewish talk show hostess on a never-ending quest for fame, cosmic truth, the mensch of her dreams, and a "real-real rockin'" cocktail!

Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag! (Does Someone Need A Vacation?)

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in Christian Bale, Mail Bag

Hello, lovelies.

Here are all of this week’s queries. The whole kit and kaboodle. All three:

“Dear Gilda Sue,
Will Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie EVER get married? They are AMERICA’S! SWEETHEARTS!”

That’s from Nikki.

Nikki, hon, when I first started reading your hand-written letter, I found myself wondering, “Who on Earth actually gives a hoot about those two shlubs?” But by the time I got to your signature, with the little red and pink hearts dotting both of the I’s in your name, it all made sense. Jeez-Louise, Nikki! Is this how you sign all your missives? How long does that take you? And how old are you anyway, thirteen? (Christian Bale, by the way, is totally married.)

“Dear Gilda Sue,
What time is it?”

I’d say it’s time to stop being such a smarty-panties, Mr. Smarty-Panties McGhee. Oy!

“Dear Gilda Sue,
I just don’t understand PEOPLE!”

That’s from Jiminy in Hollywood, California.

Jiminy, honey, judging from the tone of frustration in your words, my guess is that you do understand people. You see people for the bunch of ignoble and facile schmucks they really are: ingrates, opportunists, phoney-baloneys, and lemmings. You just need to face the fact that you don’t like people all that much. And who can blame you?

So that’s it. That’s all the mail I got this week. Jeez. Can we step it up a tad, y’all?

Oy!

See more It’s Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag! on The Bleu Stockings, y’all!

Add "Rap Artist" to My Resume, Yo!

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in rap

Y’all, I totally think I’m going to start rapping. It’s just talking, really, and I am real-real good at talking. Plus, something akin to music is often involved,and I have plenty of kin who like music. It’s like I was BORN to rap. I KNOW!

But before I start bustin’ a rhyme (which is going to ROCK!) I need a rapper name. Suggestions?

Gilded Sue Z? Big G? I need your input. . .

Mean Mama Dog Welcomes Charlie Williams to Team Gilda!

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in Charlie Williams

Y’all, I couldn’t be tickled any pinker to be collaborating with the incomparable Charles Williams on my new theme song! Charlie is an old pal, but we’ve never worked together. His Bonaventure Quartet just ROCKS! Well, it SWINGS, anyway. You should A) totally listen to their music, B) go see them live when you can, and 3) be real-real impressed! Welcome to the Mean Mama Dog family, Charlie! The growing field of Klezmer/Rap will never be the same! In fact, just call us ALT-Klezmer/Rap! Stay tuned for details on the recording and the upcoming video, lovelies!
Cheers!

Cool Chick or Hot Mess?

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in Barbara Bush, Drambie, Gilda Sue's Mail Bag

Y’all, this week’s pick from Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag is from Liz in Mouse Island, Maine. Liz writes, ”Gilda, I’m trying to learn how to be a tougher, more grounded person, rather than be such a hot mess. Where do I start?”

OK, I looked up some words on the computer Internet.

“Tough” is defined as “durable, tenacious, and lusty.” But, also as “callous, stern, and harsh.”
“Grounded can mean “mindful, and wise.” But, also “beached.” Like a dying sea creature.
Drambuie is Gaelic for “the drink that satisfies,” but some folks use some other words, like “never in a million years” or “you’ve got to be kidding me, people actually DRINK this #*@!!?”

I think it’s important to point out that the good folks at Drambuie don’t really care which one you are, as long as there are enough of the former buying their drink that apparently only sometimes satisfies. To the Devil with the latter!

Do you see where I’m going with this Liz?

Hon, I suspect what you are really looking for is the inner strength to do whatever you damn well please regardless of what folks might think, which must just damn rock! I mean look at Barbara Bush. Oy! I bet she looks in the mirror each morning (as she drapes those gigantic pearls around her neck with the confidence that defies reason) and chants the mantra that every successful woman lives by: “Pleasing everyone is for suckers.”

Nobody, not even Drambuie, can please everyone.

Now, Outlaw Farmer asks, “What the heck is a hot mess?”

A hot mess is bad, as far as I can tell, though it is apparently–by most counts– also considered sexy, which most folks think is good. So, once again, perspective is key. You can’t please ‘em all.

In sum, rock on, Liz! And damn give yourself a break.

Thanks for your letters, folks! Need advice? Want the hottest celebrity gossip? Curious about the latest styles or political stories of the day? Leave your question below. I look forward to hearing from you!

Cheers, y’all!

Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag! "Saved by The Bell"

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in Apocalypse, Bleu Stockings, Drambuie, Gilda Sue's Mail Bag, Rob Bell

Hello, lovelies! This is the first non-video* installment of Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag, which will be a part of The Bleu Stockings (The Rogue Woman’s Guide to Unperfection) blog. Viewers and readers can ask me anything they want. Anything at all. (I KNOW!)

Our first missive is from Father Patrick Fitzpatrick of The Sister Mary Frances School for Underage and Guileless Boys in Pawhuska, Oklahoma. The father writes:

“I’ve been following your advice with regard to dealing with uncomfortable feelings, and I’ve just been pushing them deep, deep down. It almost works. But not really. I fear there will come a day when I will actually have to face my demons. And if what all these Protestants are saying is true, that day is fast approaching. Judgement Day could be as close as next Saturday, May 21st! What do you think?”

Oh, well, I guess I should’ve gotten to that a tad sooner. Sorry, Father.

Oy! OK.

A) I assume, when you say “these protestants” you mean this guy that I found on this CNN site, right?

So then, B) What I think is, no, I don’t believe this Judgement Day thing is going to happen, hon. At least it isn’t going to happen last Saturday. And if that Rob Bell is to be believed, it won’t really matter if it does happen last Saturday. Or any Saturday, for that matter. And they write articles about him in Time Magazine and stuff! (I KNOW!)

But more important, hon, is thirdly, or C) If those uncomfortable feelings keep bubbling up to the surface, you do need to deal with them. And you may need to admit you need help, which is sometimes real-real hard for folks. I find that a hot Drambuie-tini with a chocolate-caramel swirl garnish always helps me.

Bottoms up, Father Pat! (And by that, I just mean “cheers,” okay? Oy! )

Keep your questions coming, folks. Leave a comment below or send a private query HERE! I look forward to hearing from you!

Bye, now.

*Click HERE for the Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag episode on The Computer Internet Show, y’all.

The Bleu Stockings! The Rogue Woman’s Guide To Un-Perfection.

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in Advice, Bleu Stockings, Gilda Sue, women's magazine

Y’all, I’ve been asked to contribute to a woman’s magazine. Well, sort of like a magazine. A blog about women’s issues and concerns and what not. Only it’s on the computer Internet!

Get ready for Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag on THE BLEU STOCKINGS!

Ask me anything you want. It’s no holds barred, y’all! Advice on sex and love, insight into religion and politics, celebrity questions, automobile concerns, pet trouble, dental worries, dating, child rearing (those last two are often the same) . . .it goes on and on. Send your questions to me here and read the answers there.

I’ll let you know when my first column is in.

See ya there! Thanks, lovelies!

Gilda Sue, Strip Trivia Champeen!

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in Uncategorized

Hello, Lovelies.

Folks have been asking how the rest of the run of Lake Tar Monkey Summertime Theater Repertory Company Under The Stars But Not WITH The Stars, We Don’t Have That Much Money (YET!)’s A Streetcar Named Desire turned out. I apologize for not updating y’all on that, but really and truly the whole thing was a bust. Being an actor is exhausting, frustrating, and could leave a girl wondering, “is that all there is?” (Not unlike some actors playing Stanley these days, though I’m not naming names, Gomez.)

Let’s just say that it’s over and done with, and that I learned a thing or two from Blanche Bubois. Mainly that she’s a nutcase, and that depending on the kindness of strangers is for suckers. I mean I’d never met that meshugener who calls himself a theater critic. Not once. Which makes him a stranger. I think you know what I’m saying. Oy.

But, no matter. I am on to bigger and better things. As of this weekend, I can call myself Bitch!’s Semi-Annual/Quasi-Amateur/Demi-National Strip Trivia Champ! It’s true. I learned a thing or two there, as well. Did y’all know that more folks die from donkeys than from plane crashes? I KNOW! No, I mean I really do know that. It wasn’t one of the things I learned. That’s how I won and took the title right out from under Nancy Grace’s nose. And if you’ve seen those nostrils (they get bigger with every face lift, I swear), you can appreciate how scary the whole thing was.
Onward, and upward, folks!

A Life in the Theater! Or is it Theatre?

Posted on by gildasuerosenstern in A Streetcar named Desire, Blanche Dubois, Gilda Sue, gomez, stanley kowalski

OK, so tonight is our final dress rehearsal here in Lake Tar Monkey for that Tennessee Williams play, A Streetcar Named Desire. I’m playing the part of that Blanche Dubois. (Did y’all know you pronounce that like doob-wah? Weird.)

Y’all, being an actor is not as easy as it seems. I’m in a wig, first of all. Then, they expect me to remember all these words. I’m supposed to be standing in the same place at the same time every night. And that director keeps yelling at me, “just listen and respond!” (I KNOW!) HELLO! This is a PLAY! Everything is SCRIPTED so I don’t HAVE to “listen” and “respond.” Oy!

And Gomez has taken this Stanley Kowalski part a little too far. It’s beginning to creep into our personal “dealings,” and I’m a little nervous about how it will affect our professional relationship when we get back to doing The Computer Internet Show. He seems to relish that one line, “how ’bout cuttin’ the re-bop!” a little too much.

But opening night is this weekend, and that’s when all the fun begins. Audiences applauding, and flowers backstage, and the big party where we get to dress up and talk to the fans. Then the newspaper reviews the next morning, and everyone calling that afternoon to tell you how great you were, and congratulate you on what that reviewer wrote about how great your facial expressions were, and how terrific you look in that yellow dress in Act II, and how no, the beige one in Act III really doesn’t make you look like Baby Jane like that putz of a props master whispered to Gomez backstage in the first dress rehearsal. That’s what it’s all about, folks. THAT’S The Theatah!

Wish me broken legs, y’all! Gomez has. Many times.