Gilda Sue: The Chosen

OK, y’all, so I auditioned for the part of Blanche Dubois and I GOT IT! That’s right, Lake Tar Monkey Summertime Theater Repertory Company Under The Stars But Not WITH the Stars, We Don’t Have That Much Money (YET!) is doing A Streetcar Named Desire and THEY PICKED ME to do that part! I KNOW! It’s going to totally rock, isn’t it?

I’m real real excited.

There’s only one tiny little something that may be a bit of a problem, and that’s that Gomez will be playing the part of Stanley. (I know.) Now, I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but it’s super possible that Gomez has a tiny hate-crush on me. But, we’re professionals. Sort of. I mean we won’t actually be paid money, but you know what I mean. We’ll ACT like professionals because we’ll already be acting anyway, right? I think it’ll be fine.

I’ll keep you posted! AND I’ll totally break my leg, I swear!

Bye, now!

Putting the Brakes on the Speed Dating

Oy gevalt! from The Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
Well, lovelies, “Monkey in the Round,” Lake Tar Monkey’s speed dating tournament has ended, for the love of Moses! I did have my third date, and I thought three would be the charm. This man was handsome and funny and rich. A doctor. I KNOW! He was a gentleman who knew how to tip. And not a bad kisser, I might add. We danced and dined. It was so easy to be with him, and we both had this crazy feeling that we’d met before. We found out we’re from the same town, and it was such a fun game to try to figure out how we knew each other. Then, oddly enough, as we were making out in the back seat of his rental car, he realized how he knew me. Y’all, this man is my gynocologist! I KNOW! It was gratifying to have figured it out – it was really nagging me. But, just then I knew that I could never be his girl. And I wasn’t about to give up being his patient. He’s a good gyno. AND he takes coupons. Who knows where I’ll ever find that again? I politely asked him to remove his hand from my breast and take me back to the hotel. It was a disappointment, to be sure. I mean, a girl doesn’t meet a man like this every day. So, I leave my Lake Tar Monkey vacay as I came. Single. But, all is not lost. I know I’ll see him again. I’m due for my pelvic exam next month.
See y’all back home on the next Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show!
Bye now!

Speed Dating and the Single Girl II

Oy! From the Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
Ok, Round Two of “Monkey in the Round” started off promising. I arranged a date for the evening with a real real cute man, and I was super excited. However, this date did not end with a bang, as I’d hoped, but with a definite and audible whimper. It was a blind date, in a way. I mean he was blind. Like Ray Charles blind. And real real cute. And I thought it was going super great. I was telling him all about The Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show, and about how I think Gomez has a secret hate-crush on me, and about my dreams of becoming a mohel. But at some point during dinner he said something about wishing he was deaf instead, and he got up and left me with the bill! I KNOW!
Well, folks, I’m trying to accentuate the positive, as they say. Round Three just might be the charm. I’ll let y’all know.
Cheers. . .

My Lake Tar Monkey Vacay Speed Dating Survey Revealed

More greetings from the Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
I just finished the Lake Tar Monkey Speed Dating application. Tomorrow is the big event they love to call “Monkeyin’ Around.” Or maybe they are saying “Monkey in the Round.” I’m not super sure, but I’m real real excited about getting to meet all of Lake Tar Monkey’s eligible bachelors tomorrow. They just asked me to list the 20 most important things a possible life partner should know about me up front. Here it is: (Oy!)

1- I am half Jewish
2- I am half Christian
3- Right now, I am half baked.
4- I have never ridden a horse with my clothes on.
5- Drambuie margaritas, Drambuie cosmos, Drambuie gimlets, Drambuie-tinis, Drambuie collins, Drambuie Mimosas, Drambuie Mudslide, Drambuie Grey hounds, Dram-daquiries, Drambuie and Mountain Dew, Dram- . . .what was the question?
6- Hey, upside down, this looks like a 9.
7- My pinkie toes are longer than all of the other 8.
8- I have a Computer Internet Show.
9- I think Gomez secretly hates me.
10- Unless he just has a huge crush on me.
11- Dolly Parton still has my sweater shaver I lent her in 1992, and I don’t think she’s ever giving it back.
12- Rehab sounds relaxing.
13- Lake Tar Monkey is my favorite vacation spot.
14- My cousin Dottie, on my Mama’s side is a lesbian.
15- I hope to live long enough to see them put a man on the moon.
16- Having superpowers is not as much fun as y’all might think.
17- I was born with a tail.
18- I became a woman on prom night.
19- I will probably never become a man.
20- I never say never.