I know! Right?
I know right.
I know. right.
I know? Right!
(Right! I KNOW!)
Author: gildasuerosenstern
The Deep South's gabbiest half Jewish talk show hostess on a never-ending quest for fame, cosmic truth, the mensch of her dreams, and a "real-real rockin'" cocktail!
Vajazzle? Vajangle? (Or Vagetaboutit?)
Y’all, Vajazzling. 
It’s what Jennifer Love Hewitt loves to call ripping all of the hair off of her soft, sweet lady part and gluing shiny, spangly things to it instead. (Oy!) She says it makes her man feel like he’s tripping the Light Fantastic, and she apparently leaves him all kinds of surprising messages. It’s a whole new twist on ‘sexting.’ “I LOVE YOU” is probably the most super popular Vajazzle message. And “DON’T FORGET THE CLITORIS THIS TIME, HON.” Of course “I’VE BEEN MULLING IT OVER AND I REALLY THINK IT’S BEST IF WE JUST STAY FRIENDS” is probably up there, too. Not to mention “YASHER KOACH!” Being a huge Bo Derek fan, I’ve had my lady part braided -or vajangled– for years, which might make me seem just a tad behind the times. But, honestly, I’ve had no complaints from anyone with any access to it. Except for Dr. Wolfman. He seems to find the beads difficult to maneuver during my monthly pelvic exam. But y’all, Nunzia will soon be offering this new service at Nunzia’s Nail Nest, and I think I might be getting super excited about my new holiday va-journey! For Yom Kippur, I could get a Vajazzled Shofar. For Halloween, a little black pussy cat. And I just cannot wait for Christmas! How cute is a little baby Va-Jesus?! Don’t worry, lovelies. I’ll totally take pictures!
Putting the Brakes on the Speed Dating
Oy gevalt! from The Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
Well, lovelies, “Monkey in the Round,” Lake Tar Monkey’s speed dating tournament has ended, for the love of Moses! I did have my third date, and I thought three would be the charm. This man was handsome and funny and rich. A doctor. I KNOW! He was a gentleman who knew how to tip. And not a bad kisser, I might add. We danced and dined. It was so easy to be with him, and we both had this crazy feeling that we’d met before. We found out we’re from the same town, and it was such a fun game to try to figure out how we knew each other. Then, oddly enough, as we were making out in the back seat of his rental car, he realized how he knew me. Y’all, this man is my gynocologist! I KNOW! It was gratifying to have figured it out – it was really nagging me. But, just then I knew that I could never be his girl. And I wasn’t about to give up being his patient. He’s a good gyno. AND he takes coupons. Who knows where I’ll ever find that again? I politely asked him to remove his hand from my breast and take me back to the hotel. It was a disappointment, to be sure. I mean, a girl doesn’t meet a man like this every day. So, I leave my Lake Tar Monkey vacay as I came. Single. But, all is not lost. I know I’ll see him again. I’m due for my pelvic exam next month.
See y’all back home on the next Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show!
Bye now!
Speed Dating and the Single Girl II
Oy! From the Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
Ok, Round Two of “Monkey in the Round” started off promising. I arranged a date for the evening with a real real cute man, and I was super excited. However, this date did not end with a bang, as I’d hoped, but with a definite and audible whimper. It was a blind date, in a way. I mean he was blind. Like Ray Charles blind. And real real cute. And I thought it was going super great. I was telling him all about The Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show, and about how I think Gomez has a secret hate-crush on me, and about my dreams of becoming a mohel. But at some point during dinner he said something about wishing he was deaf instead, and he got up and left me with the bill! I KNOW!
Well, folks, I’m trying to accentuate the positive, as they say. Round Three just might be the charm. I’ll let y’all know.
Cheers. . .
Speed Dating and the Single Girl
Greetings from the Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
Oy, lovelies!
Round One of “Monkey in the Round,” Lake Tar Monkey’s Speed Dating Tournament actually ended with me scoring a date for the evening! Which sounded real real good at first. But by the end of the night, this meshugener was trying to get me to join some cult called The Betty Ford Clinic! What a weirdo! Oh, well! There’s still Round Two! Wish me luck.
Cheers, y’all!
-Gilda Sue
My Lake Tar Monkey Vacay Speed Dating Survey Revealed
More greetings from the Gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
I just finished the Lake Tar Monkey Speed Dating application. Tomorrow is the big event they love to call “Monkeyin’ Around.” Or maybe they are saying “Monkey in the Round.” I’m not super sure, but I’m real real excited about getting to meet all of Lake Tar Monkey’s eligible bachelors tomorrow. They just asked me to list the 20 most important things a possible life partner should know about me up front. Here it is: (Oy!)
1- I am half Jewish
2- I am half Christian
3- Right now, I am half baked.
4- I have never ridden a horse with my clothes on.
5- Drambuie margaritas, Drambuie cosmos, Drambuie gimlets, Drambuie-tinis, Drambuie collins, Drambuie Mimosas, Drambuie Mudslide, Drambuie Grey hounds, Dram-daquiries, Drambuie and Mountain Dew, Dram- . . .what was the question?
6- Hey, upside down, this looks like a 9.
7- My pinkie toes are longer than all of the other 8.
8- I have a Computer Internet Show.
9- I think Gomez secretly hates me.
10- Unless he just has a huge crush on me.
11- Dolly Parton still has my sweater shaver I lent her in 1992, and I don’t think she’s ever giving it back.
12- Rehab sounds relaxing.
13- Lake Tar Monkey is my favorite vacation spot.
14- My cousin Dottie, on my Mama’s side is a lesbian.
15- I hope to live long enough to see them put a man on the moon.
16- Having superpowers is not as much fun as y’all might think.
17- I was born with a tail.
18- I became a woman on prom night.
19- I will probably never become a man.
20- I never say never.
Having Wonderful Time! Wish You Were Here!
Greetings from the gulf – Lake Tar Monkey – Vacay Central!
I’m having the time of my life! At first I was put off by the black beaches, and dying sea birds. But it turns out that all that oil on the beach is being recycled by the day spa. I’ve never had such great facial, and that hot oil treatment has my hair shinier than ever! As for the sea birds, well, there aren’t that many of them left, so we shouldn’t be bothered by them for long.
Tomorrow I’m taking part in the Lake Tar Monkey Speed Dating Marathon. Ladies get all-she-can-drink Pina-Chihuahuas. Wish me luck!
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." – Voltaire
Hello, Lovelies!
There’s a guy out there who says he finds my show “alienating” and “embarrassing.” And he posted these opinions of me (and my show and a review I did of a real real crazy book called Wondrous Strange: Tales of the Uncanny) just above this quote by some guy who goes just by Voltaire. It’s a super good quote, and, y’all, he didn’t even see himself in it. Check it out.
Cheers!
Gilda Sue’s Mail Bag!
Hello, Lovelies!
This is just a reminder that I am always here for you. That’s right. I am available to answer any of your questions of any kind. Experiencing a personal or professional dilemma? Let me know. I give better advice than Oprah and we’ll discuss it right on the program for all to hear. Or maybe there’s a grammar problem that confuses you or a word whose meaning and/or origin is unknown to you. Send in your language queries and we’ll address them on a segment we love to call “Word Nerd.” Comment here, or on the Facebook, or at my personal e-mail address on my profile page. Just let me hear from you soon. I worry when I don’t hear from you.
(We used to be so close.)
Until then, Cheers, y’all!
Gilda Sue and Dr. Who!
Y’all, I just got back from Atlanta’s Sci Fi Summer Con 2010, and let me tell you, we had a real real rockin’ time! For those not in the know, “Sci Fi” is short for Science Fiction, and “Con” is short for convention. Now, there was definitely a lot of convening, and I did definitely brush up against some fiction. There were authors there with books filled with fiction, and really and truly, I believe I met a few people who were fictional, too (much like myself), but I’m not super duper sure where the science was. Now, I’m not super sciency. Not at all. But I do remember science class from my school days, and we had beakers to fill, and bunson burners to light up, and frogs to cut apart. (Although, it’s good to know that they won’t actually make you do that last part if you cry.) There wasn’t any of that at this convention. Or “con.” You’re supposed to say “con,” y’all. In any case, I met Dr. Who, Dr. Strange, at least one Rock-a-billy Hall of Famer, a pizza delivery man soon to be a best selling author, a blue gorilla who could slap a mean upright bass, a gentleman diabolist, and no fewer than three Klingons. All in one damn day! Stay tuned for a new episode featuring all the meshugas at the con, and look forward to me doing more of these. They damn rock!
GILDA SUE ROSENSTERN 